What does it really mean to hold space for yourself

How to hold space for yourself?

Think about the last time you were planning for the holiday season. We often experience emotion and pressure and feel stressed. We are worried about family dynamics, planning to navigate holiday parties, or fitting in family time in busy holiday schedules. While the holidays remind us just how much our lives impact us, we can easily forget that this is true every day. Emotional regulation helps us manage the overwhelm of the emotions in our body, soften our thoughts, and feel okay during difficult times. There are three helpful resources in developing emotional regulation; interoceptive awareness, embodiment, self-compassion, and self-regulation.

Interoceptive awareness is the ability to sense, process, and appropriately respond to the body’s physiological signals. Building this awareness is like learning a new language; this one is internal, unlike a language we hear externally. Our body communicates with us through sensations and feelings such as tension, gurgling, pangs, tingling, and warmth. These sensations are the body’s vocabulary; interoceptive awareness is our ability to understand that language.

In the simplest terms, Embodiment means to feel the sensations, thoughts, and emotions within us and live in that experience. I had spent decades trying not to feel the pain in my body, not the pain in my emotions, which had also prevented joy and peace, especially not having time for my thoughts. By integrating my mental, physical and emotional states, I can be present, open, and aware of each moment as it happens. I can live in each moment as it happens, acknowledging my experience. Embodiment increases empathy, self-compassion, and self-awareness and reduces stress and anxiety.

The awareness that interoception and embodiment are helpful, but without self-compassion, we can easily use that knowledge to judge and shame ourselves leading to further suffering. Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. 

Self-regulation is our ability to regulate our reactions to emotions like frustration or excitement. Calming ourselves down after something exciting or upsetting happens. You are being able to focus on a task and refocus attention on a new task. Interceptive awareness and embodiment help us integrate our mental, physical and emotional states with embodied practices such as yoga or meditation. We can practice coping with difficult emotions and generate positive mental states. Incorporating self-regulation means you are in your power, creating the life you want while pursuing your goals.

With each of these skills and practices, we can emotionally self-regulate, which is the ability to respond to the ongoing demands of experience with the range of emotions in a manner that is socially tolerable and sufficiently flexible to permit spontaneous reactions, as well as the ability to delay spontaneous reactions as needed.

Be open to feeling all of your emotions. 

Have you ever found yourself in tears watching a holiday play? Or found yourself missing those who are not with you? Or overwhelmed with joy?

Holidays can bring up a lot of emotions from all the planning and travel, causing changes in sleep patterns, etc. Happiness, guilt, and even overwhelming. It can bring forward reminders of loss, grief, or a feeling of loneliness. Plan to give yourself space to acknowledge emotions as they happen. They are helpful to allow, but you can also honor yourself by gently facing them as they come.

Be open to the emotions of others.

 You won’t be the only one facing emotion. Observing your family and friends allows you to provide support and love. Not only will you see opportunities to support another, but this creates closeness in your relationship.

Build your compassion toolbox. 

There are many ways to show that you care; by simply observing a situation, you are holding space for yourself. You can ask yourself how you feel and your go-to method of showing your care.

Are you feeling like giving a gift? Ask your self “what am I trying to communicate with this gift? What other choices do you have to show how I’m feeling? Could you express your thoughts in words? Through time?

Let go of self-judgment and the expectations of others.

Conflict often occurs when expectations are not met. Whether we blame ourselves or another, the underlying problem is the expectation. By addressing this first, we can identify if the expectation was built on what we wanted or needed. Or if the expectation is grounded in ability and capacity.

It is helpful to notice when you feel judgment to observe what is happening. How or where do you think the judgment? What do you wish was different? How would it change the result? It can be tough to let go of criticism completely; it will take practice. So allow yourself to notice it happening and allow yourself space to step back instead of stepping into it.

Practice active listening. 

It’s easy to find yourself overwhelmed with stimulation, especially in the holidays with packed houses, especially during a holiday get-together where we may feel overwhelmed by the amount of interaction in short periods and the overall amount of simultaneous interactions. But this is a beautiful time to practice active listening skills. You could be surprised by what you learn about your listening skills. Do you notice changes in body language, tone, and volume of voice, and can you hear their message, not just the words they are speaking?

One tip is to observe your distractions. Is there a better environment for this conversation? Is your phone buzzing in your pocket? Can you hear someone else’s perspective without wanting to correct it or share your own?

Let go of what is getting in your way. 

Holidays often bring back childhood memories and traditions, making it a perfect time to fall into old patterns. Competitiveness with siblings, old arguments, and competing egos can get in the way of a happy holiday. Notice your thoughts and feelings that you may be carrying from the past. This is an incredible opportunity to allow forgiveness and create change.

Limit “should” and be aware of what you need. 

It’s easy to feel pressure to buy the perfect gift, meet the expectations of others or attend every party.  Meeting these expectations can lead to resentment, frustration, and even burnout. Allow yourself to reflect on how you feel, specifically how the expectation affects you. Give yourself space to allow what you need and give yourself time to self-care.

Practice self-care and compassion.

It’s easy to get caught up in the “giving season” and forget to take care of yourself. Between preparing, extra events, and travel, we often fall out of our usual patterns. Taking time to plan your exercise, ensuring you get a whole night’s sleep, helps you recharge each day. You’ll thank yourself when you can be more attentive, calm, and react to situations the way you want. This kindness to yourself will make it possible to be more giving to others.